Every life has a desire to express itself outwardly. When life's desire is suppressed and expression is damaged, it will turn into a desire for destruction.
Anxious Me
There is a specific source of pressure in life. In order to cope with external pressure, we suppress ourselves and seek a sense of security internally. This is explicit suppression. For example, to relieve job pressure, we give up our favorite major and choose to take a civil service exam. For example, someone gives up attending a top university and chooses a lower-ranked one because that university can provide them with a stable job.
Research by Canadian physiologist Hans Selye shows that stressors stimulate the amygdala in our brains. If we are in a stressful environment for a long time, the amygdala will actually enlarge compared to a safe environment. This means that both physiologically and psychologically, we internalize this suppression. Initially, suppression is a survival strategy, but over time, it becomes a value system. This is implicit suppression.
Just like how we complain about our parents' generation, who, despite receiving a retirement pension of only 5000 yuan, insist on walking 40 minutes to save a few yuan for groceries. Because saving money is not a necessity for them, but rather a psychological sense of security. Similarly, in this era, we also have our own hardships. For example, feeling ashamed of taking a break, even though it has nothing to do with my future or the recent inefficiency at work, I still have a vague sense of guilt when I stop.
It seems like I am always suppressing my small daily needs. When I see an interesting bookstore on the roadside, I want to browse, but then I think it's not worth it. When I want my roommate to turn off the lights so I can sleep, I convince myself to endure and sleep anyway. This behavior is not due to laziness, but deep down in my subconscious, I always hope that I can deal with life in the fastest and most economical way possible. It's as if by reducing my needs a little, making myself smaller and smaller, I can avoid difficulties. We deliberately seek tension in life that doesn't need to exist because tension is not painful for us, but rather a sense of security.
When all the outlets for life's expression are blocked by anxiety, there are only two possible outcomes: obediently accepting the arrangement of "Anxious Me," at the cost of losing one's personality, or rebelling against "Anxious Me" and transforming the desire for life into a desire for destruction, at the cost of self-destruction. Since it cannot be governed by my free will, none of you can have it.
Every day after work, I hope to take a shower and go to bed early, but in reality, I end up lying in bed and scrolling through my phone, even to the point of tears. I'm not immersed in my phone, on the contrary, "Anxious Me" reminds me very clearly. But it seems like the purpose of "Destructive Me" is to exhaust me, to disrupt my life, until I have no more energy, like a power outage, and it goes offline.
Changing Me
The more I want to change, the more firmly self-destruction is entrenched. Sometimes, even "Destructive Me" gets tired. Why does it still insist on resisting like an obsessive-compulsive disorder? It's because when you passively self-destruct, you only have to bear the oppression of "Anxious Me." But when you embrace the hope of change, actively self-destructing, you not only have to bear the oppression of "Anxious Me," but also fulfill the needs of "Changing Me."
If change does not come with genuine understanding and acceptance, then the demand for change is just another form of binding in life. If you truly want to change, understanding "Destructive Me" is not enough. You also need to see "Anxious Me," who seems to play the role of an oppressor.
We are in a historical process lacking in hope. In the past three years, we can clearly feel the change in social emotions. In the past, everyone liked to study the upward path, wanting to become wealthy. Then everyone started studying the downward path, quitting their jobs and buying houses in Dali and Hegang. But now, those who went to Dali have returned to work, and those who bought houses in Hegang regret it. It seems like even this downward path has been blocked.
Sometimes, for no reason, we feel unhappy and unhappy. This is not because of our poor coping abilities or bad personalities, but because we are all in a historical time of uncertainty, and the social emotions in this larger environment are like this. In this environment of lacking thickness and increasing change, everyone is under chronic stress, enduring this generalized anxiety. "Destructive Me" loves me because it wants to express its own will to live, but it also needs to see that "Anxious Me" loves me too. What it has always wanted to say is, "I'm scared. I really hope that when danger comes, I can protect your life."
Understanding Me
Past experiences have confined us to this way of coping. From childhood to adulthood, we are accustomed to solving problems through suppression and control. Just like when our exam results are not ideal, we don't say to relax, we only say to study harder. This control and suppression have helped us in the past, but they have also led to anxiety and self-destruction.
To understand ourselves and the complexities and dangers we encounter in life with gentle curiosity, this is not my fault, nor is it something I can control. It is simply an inevitable part of life. In addition to holding on tightly, we can also learn to let go and reconcile with ourselves.
Excerpt from: https://www.liaocp.cn/post/433f14e0ea2f.html